So, it’s been a minute since I posted. A lot of things have happened, if you read my last post you’d know I lost someone pretty important.
Grief is weird. I thought that maybe I’d be consumed by it for a while and then I’d slowly start getting back to normal. I’d sit on my bed and I couldn’t move because it was too much. But it’s not that. You just kind of get on with your day, and it just sits in the back of your mind. And then there’s a moment when you realise that she’s not here anymore. You think to yourself ‘oh, I could just get on a train and go visit her.’ But she’s not there and her house is empty. You realise that you’ll never hear her voice anymore, and it’s… difficult. There are moments when it doesn’t seem real she’s gone. Grief is real, sometimes it’s suffocating, but most of the time? It’s an everyday feeling. It’s there with all the other things you feel in a day, and it doesn’t so away. It just gets easier to carry on your shoulders.
But anyway, today I want to talk a little about dissociation. Well, about the type of dissociation I deal with day to day.
I’ve wrote a post about my blackouts, and what they normally entail. Sometimes it’s violent, most of the time it’s just day dreaming. It’s kind of like I’m locked in a room, there’s a mirror and I can see everyday I’m doing. Other times I have no idea where I go, only that I do go. Losing memory is one of the worst ones especially for me. It makes me feel out of control, and I hate that I have no control over myself in that moment. Waking up outside with no memory on how I got there, or waking up with cuts that I have no memory of making, waking up in the middle of conversation and having no idea what’s going on. It’s just really fucking annoying.
It happens when I get overwhelmed. When I’m feeling so many things that I can’t process, or the emotion is too intense, it’s sort of like a defence mechanism. I go away to a room in my mind because I simply can not cope with what is going on in my mind at that moment. I haven’t found anything on what helps with dissociation, but I’ve found things that help bring me out of it.
– Talking to me normally. Don’t yell at me, don’t talk to me like I’m a child and I’ll gradually come out of it.
– Touch. This one is difficult for me because if it’s a stranger touching me, it could trigger me. If it’s one of my people, I’m okay. It’s a trust thing. But never touch me if it’s a violent one.
I’m pretty sure my friends could talk more on this topic because they deal with it, and I normally have no memory of the event, but those are what I do know that helps when I’m on my own. My cat jumping on my bed and meowing at me or my dog barking. A song on the TV. Little things. Not really sure what to write now because it’s nearly 3 in the morning and I am tired. Which is when I usually post.
If you know of any distractions or techniques for dissociation, let me know!