So, its been a while since I’ve posted anything. I said I would but every time I started writing, my mind just became blank and I had nothing to say. Even though my mind had all these possibilities, I just couldn’t get the words out. So, I have no idea how this post will turn out. I’m just going to start writing and hope even a little bit of it makes sense.
Things have been different lately, I recently turned 24 and I hate my birthday. It brings some stuff up that I’d rather not deal with and I struggle with it more than I normally would. But I read something on Facebook the other day about growing up when you’re suicidal. I can’t remember a time where I haven’t had suicidal thoughts. When I was young, I said I’d never make it to my 16th birthday and I did. Then I would always say that I would never make it to 18, and I did. And then I’d say that I would never make it to 21, and here I am today and I’m 24. I never had a clear plan for anything past those ages and it kind of resonated with me because I never would of imagined that I’d be here at 24, typing these words about a disorder and have a diagnosis that seemed almost impossible. I have no idea what to do with my life and right now, that all seems out of reach because I still struggle every day with certain aspects of my disorder. I don’t have a plan, and somehow I’m okay with that? Because even though a part of me still says that I’ll never make it past 25, a bigger part of me thinks that it’s now possible.
Also, since I last posted I read a duet of books that I simply need to talk about. The Mad Love duet by Whitney Barbetti, I’ll put links down below so you can check them out if you want and I highly recommend that you do. It’s a story about two characters but I just want to talk about Mira for a second. I’ve been a big fan of Whitney since I read her book Ten Below Zero (You should read this as well, in fact just read all of her books), which I have a quote of it tattooed on me. The quote says ‘I don’t need a thousand people to know I existed. I just want someone to know I lived.’ I love that quote, I love that story so much that I thought Whitney could never top it. But boy, she did with Six Feet Under, the first book in the duet. About two years she posted a quote of SFU (Six Feet Under) in her fan group on Facebook and it was then that I knew she book would surpass anything she had ever written. I had that quote tattooed on me before the book was even released and here is the quote
‘You live with madness, Mira. What could possibly be weak about that?’
THAT. I needed to hear that so many times and now whenever I need to hear it, I simply look down on my arm. Anyway, I got distracted. I resonated so much with Mira because she also has BPD. Within the first page, within the paragraph I resonated more with her than I did in the whole book of Ten Below Zero. This wasn’t an easy read for me, because Whitney didn’t gloss over any of it. She put the disorder in the spotlight, and she stripped away everything and at times, it was downright ugly. She didn’t make it beautiful, she didn’t do anything except portray BPD in what it is. Now, every good story needs a villain. It needs a hero. This story had both, and it was Mira. Mira was the villain more often than she was the hero. Most of the time when I was reading this book, it was almost as if Whitney had plucked the very thoughts out of my head. I was triggered reading this story, but not necessarily in a bad way. I was triggered in the way that I had no idea how to process the relief I felt and seeing what I go through everyday, on pages of a book that tore right through my very soul. Intense relief, intense anger, intense sadness, intense everything. I felt all of this and sometimes I had to stop. Everything Mira felt, it was as if I was also feeling it. I was mirroring Mira. Sometimes I had to put the book down and step away just to keep my sanity. And that is how I know this book would change things, that this book would be with me forever, and not just because I have some words tattooed on my skin, but because for a few hours, it made me feel normal. So, read these books. But be mindful of triggers. There is a trigger warning and if you can’t read it now, make a note of it and read it when you can. Also, she’ll never see this but thank you to Whitney. You can tell you poured your heart and soul into Mira, thank you for giving her story a chance to be heard. And read. And for never letting it be one thing, and for never putting Mira into one box when she was a million different things. I’m Mira, and thank you for making the Mira’s of the world read a story where we become the heroes. And where the villain gets the ending she deserves. Just thank you. (This probably didn’t make sense, but read the books.) Links are below!
Both books are in Kindle Unlimited as well, so BONUS!
I’ve recently started and came off some new medication and I’m still going through the stages, but I have a post already written for tomorrow which I swear I will post. But here are some of my favourites quotes from Six Feet Under. Not all the quotes because there’s a lot, just a few. I hope you find some sort of peace in the words the same as I did, and if you don’t find peace, I hope you read these words and know that someone else knows what you go through, someone understands.
‘I was Mira, a Medusa-human hybrid, unless I was feeling particularly sorry for myself- then I was Mira, with blood running down her skin when the voices became too loud to be contained in her skull. Mira, who kept other humans at an emotional distance– for their protection and for hers.’ Six Feet Under, Chapter Two.
‘The only times it became difficult for me were moments like this one, when others had to bear witness to my demons. My scars weren’t liars; there was no use pretending they were caused by anything other than my own hand. The “why would you do that to yourself?” question was asked the most, as if it was more important to know why I put sharp objects against my skin than why I lived with hurt.’ Six Feet Under, Chapter Six.
‘It reminded me of the way storms could come, and just as soon as you could take that brief intake of breath, of relief, another storm would soon follow. There was no space to get comfortable. I could relate to that.’ Six Feet Under, Chapter 22.
– Lyndsay x