My Borderline is broken into moments.
Moments of intense happiness,
Moments of joy,
Moments of sadness,
Moments of anger,
Moments of desperation.
Sometimes it seems like there aren’t enough moments in the day to catalogue every feeling I have. I have my bad days, my worse days, and my good days. It all depends on how I handle these moments. Some days I’m better than most, some days I’m simply not. Some days I can do nothing but feel these moments and I hate it. But recently, I’ve learned that it isn’t so bad to simply just feel.
My bad days, my worst moments, I’m strangely comfortable. I know how to walk these paths, this terrain I’m walking I have memorised. There is something strangely comforting about sadness, because personally for me, it has never failed me. Happiness is something entirely different. Happiness has always been fleeting, never a constant in my life. It’s like those family members you only see on special occasions, you know it’s there but you hardly ever see it.
I am wary when I am happy because my depression says ‘it will never last. I’m the only constant in your life.’ And I listen. Because in some ways it’s true but only because I’ve allowed it to be like that. I have never willingly chased happiness, I have only ever chased my sadness. And maybe it’s time I chased something else for a change.
I’m not oblivious, I know that maybe this won’t last. Maybe my mind frame will change tomorrow and I’ll stick to what I know, but maybe I’ll start chasing some happiness. Even if it’s only a little bit. Even if I only do it once this week, or once this month. That will still be a win in my book. And every win counts doesn’t it? No matter how little, no matter how big. All I need is just one moment of courage, and I’m sure I can squeeze a few of those in.
This was literally just a pop in post. I’ll come back tomorrow and do a normal one because I’ve got some things I want to write about.
Also, I really miss my cat. Parker, I miss you dude!